Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago