Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like