Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

what are they serving at kfc then???

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

This is Sparta

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.