Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.