Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
technique
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.