Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather