Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Taking phone security to the next level.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.