Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

can you read it!!??

maan!