Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
constantly working on myself.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin