Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

*sewing*

A thread

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

the girlies are turning into genghis khan