Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.