Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir