Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

good morning

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

🥴😂

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.