Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

what kind of cook setting is this??

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.