[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
A leaf blower, but for people.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*