Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores

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Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely


You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?


Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”


God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.




My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.


Oh, you’re an early riser?
Have kids?
A farm?
Medical condition?


my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.