@VinnieLovelace

Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores

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@BigJDubz

Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

@daemonic3

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

@MrsMikePatton

God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

@

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@LeonInNewJersey

My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

@dog_feelings

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.