Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely
Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
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You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Oh, you’re an early riser?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.