Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

pelicons

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

see next tweet for some translations

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.