Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?