Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.