Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
certified hallow’s eve classic
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
notice
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come