Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Haha good job!!
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.