Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

☠️ ☠️

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.