Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
3% human
97% stress
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.