Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

ready to be harvested

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.