Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.