Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

😼🖥️

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101