Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink