Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

tourist season

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild