Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
You’ll be OK
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies