Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.