Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire