Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
(True)
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.