Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

✌🏽

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”