Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.