Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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i think both sides are to blame here
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
This is a whole mood;
