Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.