Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Confused owl: What?!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor