Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
#NoRestForTheWicked
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here