Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?