Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

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FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago


And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.


Do I have any weird male followers that want to send me money for absolutely no reason


[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?


My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.


Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.


Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.


Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions