@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

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@bobvulfov

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

@edgeoftheword

And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.

@mama_sav

Do I have any weird male followers that want to send me money for absolutely no reason

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

@Connan22

Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.

@longwall26

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions