“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
is frankincense just very honest incense?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.