@MelvinofYork
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
@iBrowniEd
Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.
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@MelvinofYork
@thom_ebooks
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
@RdrJay47
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
@notviking
well they’re gonna sell out pretty quick!
@iLikeCatShirts
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
@notstupidgaycat
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
@brian_bilston
For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.
It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.
@TheHyyyype
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
@SamuelHLowe
– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
– Spatula.
@aligarchy
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO