@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

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@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@RdrJay47

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

@iLikeCatShirts

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

@notstupidgaycat

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

@brian_bilston

For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.

@TheHyyyype

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

@SamuelHLowe

– You always have to have the last word.
– THAT IS A LIE!
– OK, I’m sorry.
– Spatula.

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO