Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.