Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment