Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way