Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food