Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
You Might Also Like
New favorite tiktok
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors