Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My daily affirmation
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!