Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
