Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
You Might Also Like
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I feel seen
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
bro what is going on at twitter
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.