Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.