Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
You Might Also Like
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
only 11 steps left
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean