Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.