@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

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@NYorNothing

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

@ADHDeanASL

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

@AbrasiveGhost

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

@PetrickSara

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

@Knorg

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”