Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.
Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.
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Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious