date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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dam girl
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter