@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

You Might Also Like

@SpenceDen

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

@leshnevsky

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

@kyle_thatisall

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@daddydoubts

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

@copymama

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

@jonnysun

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

@tsm560

Conviction is sexy. Why do you think so many prisoners get marriage proposals?

@RobDenBleyker

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious