Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since