Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Me irl

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?