Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

😤😤

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Love this one 😂🧟

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair