saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I put the mess in domestic.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
