saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
