saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
just pretend nothing happened
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”