saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!