Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Yes my dude
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Yup
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”