Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Is this a threat?
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*