Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

adam and eve had first world problems

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

In banana years, I am bread.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that