Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

every single time

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Camel dough

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another