Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.