[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”