Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

Otters drive ottermobiles.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas