Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

this… may be the greatest story ever told

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.