Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

These 3D printers are insane!

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned