Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
The Onion called it…again.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.