Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

honey, bring out the fine china.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.