Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

The legends were true

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

There is no try. There is only give up.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…