saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Dumplings,
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
neighborhood watch
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.