Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

i love modern commerce

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.