saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
british sex workers really pound for pound
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs