Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes