Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

bad
worse
worst
worchester

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.