Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Art by Pastelkatto
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”