Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
me when somebody idk start touching me
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Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”