Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that